This year stole a lot from me. A promotion and the promise of the types of projects I excel at and the autonomy I crave. Trips with my girlfriends to be loved on and to start banking this decade’s inside jokes. A particularly delicious what if? My physical health. Friendships that feel raw and unsteady, … Continue reading Word.

Where do you go when grief is home? When loss flings you out into the wilderness of pain to fend for yourself. When there is no shelter from the onslaught of mourning. The pain is relentless. I am carrying so much grief in my bones. My limbs are heavy under the weight. I am Atlas, holding the … Continue reading Grief

I had decided this was where I wanted to be. That this life, this man, was what I wanted. And in doing so, tacitly accepted who I’d have to be to fit inside the bantam space of this decision.  I knew the edges of us felt so close as to be restricting. I knew there … Continue reading Better

I am starving. I am empty and lean, caving in around the spaces between my ribs. I feel brittle and dry, like weight of any kind might grind me to dust. I try not to need. To busy my limbs with other tasks so they don’t have time to remember what they lack. They walk … Continue reading Leave

“So, I’m in the chair. And first it’s this needle. And generally I am not afraid of needles, but it’s this giant fucking needle. And if you’ve ever been stabbed repeatedly in the roof of your mouth with a really big fucking needle, I cannot unrecommend it enough.” I’m really fucking funny. And I’m telling … Continue reading Pain Tolerance

We fall in love in the wee hours. When darkness makes us feel less exposed in our vulnerabilities and laying ourselves bare feels like release. While the rest of the world lies quiet, we build a world in the shadows. The earth is whispered confidences, the sky a constellation of secrets and fantasies shared in … Continue reading Shadow Kingdom

“I dunno. I wish you quit more.” We’re somewhere around the thirty-minute mark of this chat and I wasn’t expecting it to escalate so quickly. “What do you mean?” “I mean, you don’t quit things. And I love that about you. I know that you’d do anything for me and by extension for my wife … Continue reading Quit

“Did I make it?” Without looking at the clock I know it is precisely 11:59pm on the dot. Years ago- when we were happier- he’d decided that he wanted to be the last person to tell me happy birthday every year, ostensibly because it would mean we were together to close out the day. I’d … Continue reading Spark

I saw the end at the beginning. The whole story, our whole story, laid out in front of us like a path, twisty and dark in places, lush and alive with light in others. It was too long to see the end for myself but still I knew it. I could feel it in the … Continue reading Inevitable

I have lived a good life. This is not a eulogy but a reminder. I have stood at the summit of a Grecian volcano, humbled and sure I was in the presence of God. I’ve swam a spider ridden waterfall and hugged an elephant in Thailand. I’ve ridden the slick back of a dolphin. I’ve … Continue reading The Good Life