I sat in the darkness for days, the silence a tomb. I ran from the shards of light slicing into the belly of the cave I’d created, hiding in corners and crevices, burying myself in white sheets like a shroud. I slept and woke in jarring fits, slumber a reprieve and consciousness an agony. Every … Continue reading the small place
Being sequestered inside (if you aren’t an asshole living in a city full of assholes) has brought a particular kind of familiar stranger back into my life. There’s a range. Some are old friends, some are old work. But my favorites the ones that think maybe I was the one that got away. I don’t … Continue reading Safe
This year stole a lot from me. A promotion and the promise of the types of projects I excel at and the autonomy I crave. Trips with my girlfriends to be loved on and to start banking this decade’s inside jokes. A particularly delicious what if? My physical health. Friendships that feel raw and unsteady, … Continue reading Word.
How do I explain that I am missing? That my absence is necessary and excruciating. That I’d never choose it, even though I chose it. That missing every moment and milestone makes my insides ache until I can’t breathe. It feels inexcusable. To promise to be there and then to leave. I am guilty of … Continue reading How Do I Explain?
I called her randomly one day. My own recipe was fine but it was just fine, and I finally felt ready to try to tackle hers. I scribbled notes as she ambled through recalling what she had been doing by muscle memory for decades. I don’t know that I could call it a recipe. But … Continue reading The Recipe
Where do you go when grief is home? When loss flings you out into the wilderness of pain to fend for yourself. When there is no shelter from the onslaught of mourning. The pain is relentless. I am carrying so much grief in my bones. My limbs are heavy under the weight. I am Atlas, holding the … Continue reading Grief
Soon, I promise myself. Soon.I will do it soon. It’s important. And I need it. But I’m not ready.But soon. Soon I will be. Soon comes. And I punt. It’s too big a loss right now, and it is. It’s too much change. It’s a lot to go without. I need the crutch. And I … Continue reading Soon
My fingers ache. I’ve been subconsciously clutching my fists so tight that my nails leave tiny purple-red crescent moons in the skin of my palm. I’ve been sleeping with the TV on. The pale blue light feels comforting, like moonlight stretching shards across the darkness. I hate sleeping with the TV on. Sometimes I listen … Continue reading We All Try
I had decided this was where I wanted to be. That this life, this man, was what I wanted. And in doing so, tacitly accepted who I’d have to be to fit inside the bantam space of this decision. I knew the edges of us felt so close as to be restricting. I knew there … Continue reading Better
I am starving. I am empty and lean, caving in around the spaces between my ribs. I feel brittle and dry, like weight of any kind might grind me to dust. I try not to need. To busy my limbs with other tasks so they don’t have time to remember what they lack. They walk … Continue reading Leave