Poles

I am living on extremes. I’m either not spending any money or spending stupidly. I’m working out everyday and eating well or spending hundreds on takeout from my couch. Nothing bothers me or everything bothers me. I’m highly productive or I’ve done nothing at all. I’m feeling super social or sitting in absolute silence for … Continue reading Poles

Big Swings

I do not have a lot of faith. I don’t mean religious faith, though the church and I stopped seeing eye to eye long ago. (Me and God are cool, though. Most of the time.) I mean, I simply don’t believe in things. I tend to need things I can see and touch and hear … Continue reading Big Swings

the small place

I sat in the darkness for days, the silence a tomb. I ran from the shards of light slicing into the belly of the cave I’d created, hiding in corners and crevices, burying myself in white sheets like a shroud. I slept and woke in jarring fits, slumber a reprieve and consciousness an agony. Every … Continue reading the small place

Safe

Being sequestered inside (if you aren’t an asshole living in a city full of assholes) has brought a particular kind of familiar stranger back into my life. There’s a range. Some are old friends, some are old work. But my favorites the ones that think maybe I was the one that got away. I don’t … Continue reading Safe

Word.

This year stole a lot from me. A promotion and the promise of the types of projects I excel at and the autonomy I crave. Trips with my girlfriends to be loved on and to start banking this decade’s inside jokes. A particularly delicious what if? My physical health. Friendships that feel raw and unsteady, … Continue reading Word.

Grief

Where do you go when grief is home? When loss flings you out into the wilderness of pain to fend for yourself. When there is no shelter from the onslaught of mourning. The pain is relentless. I am carrying so much grief in my bones. My limbs are heavy under the weight. I am Atlas, holding the … Continue reading Grief

Better

I had decided this was where I wanted to be. That this life, this man, was what I wanted. And in doing so, tacitly accepted who I’d have to be to fit inside the bantam space of this decision.  I knew the edges of us felt so close as to be restricting. I knew there … Continue reading Better

Leave

I am starving. I am empty and lean, caving in around the spaces between my ribs. I feel brittle and dry, like weight of any kind might grind me to dust. I try not to need. To busy my limbs with other tasks so they don’t have time to remember what they lack. They walk … Continue reading Leave