I sat in the darkness for days, the silence a tomb. I ran from the shards of light slicing into the belly of the cave I’d created, hiding in corners and crevices, burying myself in white sheets like a shroud. I slept and woke in jarring fits, slumber a reprieve and consciousness an agony. Every … Continue reading the small place
Being sequestered inside (if you aren’t an asshole living in a city full of assholes) has brought a particular kind of familiar stranger back into my life. There’s a range. Some are old friends, some are old work. But my favorites the ones that think maybe I was the one that got away. I don’t … Continue reading Safe
This year stole a lot from me. A promotion and the promise of the types of projects I excel at and the autonomy I crave. Trips with my girlfriends to be loved on and to start banking this decade’s inside jokes. A particularly delicious what if? My physical health. Friendships that feel raw and unsteady, … Continue reading Word.
How do I explain that I am missing? That my absence is necessary and excruciating. That I’d never choose it, even though I chose it. That missing every moment and milestone makes my insides ache until I can’t breathe. It feels inexcusable. To promise to be there and then to leave. I am guilty of … Continue reading How Do I Explain?
Where do you go when grief is home? When loss flings you out into the wilderness of pain to fend for yourself. When there is no shelter from the onslaught of mourning. The pain is relentless. I am carrying so much grief in my bones. My limbs are heavy under the weight. I am Atlas, holding the … Continue reading Grief
I had decided this was where I wanted to be. That this life, this man, was what I wanted. And in doing so, tacitly accepted who I’d have to be to fit inside the bantam space of this decision. I knew the edges of us felt so close as to be restricting. I knew there … Continue reading Better
I am starving. I am empty and lean, caving in around the spaces between my ribs. I feel brittle and dry, like weight of any kind might grind me to dust. I try not to need. To busy my limbs with other tasks so they don’t have time to remember what they lack. They walk … Continue reading Leave
“So, I’m in the chair. And first it’s this needle. And generally I am not afraid of needles, but it’s this giant fucking needle. And if you’ve ever been stabbed repeatedly in the roof of your mouth with a really big fucking needle, I cannot unrecommend it enough.” I’m really fucking funny. And I’m telling … Continue reading Pain Tolerance
We fall in love in the wee hours. When darkness makes us feel less exposed in our vulnerabilities and laying ourselves bare feels like release. While the rest of the world lies quiet, we build a world in the shadows. The earth is whispered confidences, the sky a constellation of secrets and fantasies shared in … Continue reading Shadow Kingdom
“I dunno. I wish you quit more.” We’re somewhere around the thirty-minute mark of this chat and I wasn’t expecting it to escalate so quickly. “What do you mean?” “I mean, you don’t quit things. And I love that about you. I know that you’d do anything for me and by extension for my wife … Continue reading Quit