July 2006

I think it might have been raining. Was it? I’m not sure, but I remember catching a cab to your place. (You still owe me $5 by the way, lol) I was nervous. I remember that much. So nervous I closed my hand in the cab door. Kept pulling the hair at the nape of my neck and tapping my foot. I made the cab driver turn on the game so I wouldn’t miss anything. And because I knew basketball was really all that was gonna calm me at that point. I got there and you opened the door. You smiled at me. The look on your face. Some sort of mixture of shock and excitement. I couldn’t believe I was there either.

I think you took my stuff from me. It’s kinda fuzzy. You lingered longer at the door than you probably should have and I knew you were debating if you should hug me, kiss me, or what exactly the situation called for. I was unsure too. I think you gave me a one armed brother hug. I remember feeling a little dejected, thinking maybe you were just playing it cool because your roommate was there. But then you slapped me on my ass. And I don’t think you’ve been able to keep your hands from back there since, lol.

We watched the rest of the game, the three of us, and I remembered you being surprised I was so into it, knew so much. In my mind I was hoping you didn’t think I’d just learned some random facts on the way over to impress you. But I do remember wanting to impress you. I remembering being so nervous, just like the first day we met. You kept making me blush. I remember that. I kept raking my hair in my face so you wouldn’t see my face turn red.

I remembering the game going off, and then it was just me and you. As you closed the door and hit the lights, the room seemed to shrink. It felt like we were confined to an orbit in which only we existed. I remember fighting not to lose my breath and hoping like hell I looked a lot cooler on the outside than I felt on the inside.

You sat on the bed, behind me I think, and I remember where you first touched me. You grabbed my left arm to pull me closer and I remember heat shooting all the way up my limbs, through my neck and to my face. My skin was so hot. You kissed me, your hands tangled in my hair like I’ve grown accustomed to them being, but back then I could barely contain myself. I remembering holding on to your arms tightly, maybe too tight, trying to fight the feeling of falling inside. You kissed me and my heartbeat fell into my stomach. You kissed me again and it fell a little further south. I remember breaking away because I couldn’t breathe. The air around us seemed tight and I couldn’t get my bearings. I looked at you and I’d never seen a man look at a woman the way you were looking at me. It felt like we were in trouble. You pushed me backwards and I let myself fall. I remember closing my eyes under the first of many kisses and just letting go.

Afterwards I said to you, “Don’t go crazy and get all attached to me.” I don’t think I ever told you, but I was talking to myself. I knew what was happening.
“I’m good nigga,” you said laughing, and I laughed with you but I turned away so you wouldn’t see my eyes. You’ve always watched me so damn closely. I didn’t want you to see what I already knew.

It was the beginning of the end for you. I was gonna make sure of that.